“I won’t ever know love…Love is never for me…but when I write songs…for a while it can be.
I know that when you smile…it was never for me…but it’s mine in my songs…I can make them to be.
I just now realized…you won’t even hear…I just hope that one day…you will know what I feel.
I write songs just to cry…when I do realize…all the things I have lost…are the times that I died.
I write songs for the walks…that are just in my mind…while I struggle to hear…your steps by my side.
I write songs for the life…that I know is a lie…for the dreams that I built..for the life that’s not mine.”
Both pain and emotional renumeration are present in songwriting. Pain first. For one, there is that continuously nagging presence of an intrusive feeling that the songs that you write are not even good enough…a reason why don’t even actively promote it to friends and family. And then, you are vividly aware that some of the songs are magnifications of your failures in life – the wrong turns I took, the lies that I said because I was too cowardly to admit I wasn’t good enough for something…the things that I irretrievably lost chasing dreams that I never achieved…the ego i shouldn’t have listened to…and ultimately the realization that all is lost. That I am just a husk of what I think I am and that I really do not have anything substantial to offer except for a few songs that memorialize the multitudes of mistakes that I made.
And then there is the reward part. I get to write about the love for children…about angels and hope and joy and possibilities and inspiration. I anonymously wrote about the ultimate sacrifice of 44 soldiers and received thousands of “thank you’s” from strangers. I used songs to fight for worthy causes and earned the gratitude of some people in return.
There is also that glimpse of a smile and appreciation that I get from a person that I write a song for. That brief love and metaphorical intimacy shared because of the creation and offering of a gift that is as old as time itself – music.
And then there is the process to tuning in to the universe of music…to be able to tap into the world of dreams and imagination, ethereal yet real…inexplicable yet possible. I believe that music is around us. All the creation in the world incessantly vibrate to their own resonances producing cacophonies of harmonies that most of us won’t even bother to hear because we were too busy with the daily grinds in life. I hear notes when I stop for a moment and allow my soul tune out the physical world for a while while listening to minute vibrations all around me. I sing complete songs in my dreams that I write down as soon as i wake up – melodies perfectly fused to lyrics that make me wonder if dreams is just another life, only in a parallel and different world. I harvested complete songs from the patter of raindrops while I drive alone at night. I experienced the gush of a complete songs while experiencing a rush of extreme emotion about something in my life. I am just a songwriter and I write songs…and I hope some will be good enough for you.
For those of you whose lives I touched…and caused pain and sad memories to…I never meant for it to be. I have a song for you somewhere…I hope that someday, magically, you’ll stumble into it and like it without even knowing that I was the one who wrote it and that it was written for you.